A Letter to the Men in My Life

Even though you set fire to the house forever altering the family’s ability to communicate and be vulnerable with one another I forgive you Abuelo, Alcohol and the Korean war stunted you, I understand.
Even though you left me before I got a chance to know what really having a father was, I have loved you and understand that your complete inability to be a parent wasn’t due a lack of love, but because you were a dysfunctional eternal child, confused and burdened by life, Papi. I forgive you.
Even though you tried not to tear my new flesh, babysitter’s son of black hair, crystal blue eyes and lovely pink lips who I thought was my boyfriend; You thoroughly ripped away the essence of innocence that a child has the right to glow with. But I no longer harbor sorrow or anger.
Even though you leered, winked, stroked my arms, stole kisses and petted my hair pedophiles of the world. I have been cleansed of the insidious poison that you injected into my sexuality. I release you.
Even though you claimed to love me handsome college-jock –boyfriend-I-thought-was-too-good-for-me I absorbed every beating and in my brilliance became resilient and more powerful than you could bear to witness. I conquered the pain and no longer feel like a victim.
Even though you tried to make me feel that I was “nothing special” broke-ass-turned-millionaire-on-the-sweat –of-my-back, I am held in a place of honor by the husband you said you would never be. I no longer remember what it was like to love you.
Even though you stated under no uncertain terms that the indias were so beautiful, my hair glimmers in the sun and my eyes sparkle when I laugh, making me feel radiant. I embrace them and rejoice in our sisterhood.
Even though you made me feel insane when I vibrated with anger, frustration and defeat while waiting until 5am for you to arrive, I am proud of myself for knowing that I deserved better and left all of your shit on your cousin’s stoop at 12pm when you were still nowhere to be found.
Even though you yelled, threatened, cursed and berated me in to a small box of regrets, Baby Daddy, my son is a gift that I can thank you for forever.
Even though you used, you underestimated, stripped me of my worth and made me have to start all over again.
Even though you wrapped my mind into an endless bundle of question marks
I wake daily to create a new world for myself in which I rise free from the burdens of my past.
I rise meeting the new day proudly
My heart is full, beating powerfully, loving wholeheartedly
My back is strong from the weight that it has carried
My hands build homes of purity and innocence
My smile is true and my words ring with honesty
My spirit soars, buoyed by the knowledge that I am all of the things that I should not be
Even though you are all still a part of me.

~Jani Rosado