my life isn't over

it's just different.
i didn't have very many years on this earth without a child.

my son, who's now 13, and i were talking about planned pregnancy and he, smiled, shrugged and with a bit of a question mark insinuated that he was "a mistake." i was taken aback, hurt for him, but so pleased to have the opportunity to tell him that he was indeed, a welcomed gift in my life. i knew that he thought this because when young women become pregnant people say that their lives are over but for me it was a new beginning. i didn't agonize over my decision to have him. in fact, i was elated from the moment that i knew. not for one instant did i consider abortion, never did i ever wish i had not given birth to my 5 lb. 10oz. fireball of energy and hugs. i was happy, enjoyed my pregnancy and every step of the way because i was sure that God would provide everything that we needed and our life would be wonderful. and i was right. we all have rough patches in life but he was not one of them. would i have had an easier life without him? maybe, but not likely because he gave me a sense of purpose when i cared about nothing, not even myself.

as all very young moms do, i yearned to go out and spend time just being myself. once my relationship with his father was over i did. we took turns taking care of him and i spent my alone time figuring out the next step to take for myself, for us. i struggled with work and school, having to drop the latter in order to have a tiny apartment, clothing and food. we spent our afternoons in museums, central park and barnes and noble, where it cost us nothing to look but our time. it was so simple.

did i wrestle with the responsibility? yes i did, but no more than my friends and family who have children in their 20s and 30s. it's a relief to know that, it's always hard and it's always wonderful.

when you're a young mom, if you love your child. if you have a passion for living. if you see the world through their eyes and learn with them, with innocence and zest and excitement. if you're flexible and patient. if you're open to the possibilities of having your child as your best friend. you life is far from over. it's just different.