La Fiesta

Bongos and guiros
Congas pan pan the beat in my chest
Vibrating through Abuelas floor, up into my feet
The sound pouring into me
Pounding like nails into the foundation and structure of my being
Our heartbeat and and feet connected
Shuffle shuffle, twirl
Our pretty skirts swish and sway
We spin, watching the fabric layers undulate
Feeling every bit the princesses that we are
Step, step, "Weeepa!"
Soft, fluffy, oily salted rice
The aromas of pernil & pollo fill the air
We gobble aceitunas out of the jar
"Weeeeepa", Titi wails from the sala
My little cousins shake their shoulders as they drop it like it's hot PR style
Pristine guayaveras ripple as the viejitos spin their ladies
I'm still too young to relate these people with youth
To wonder who they had been in their heyday
The pungent smells of cigarettes, Palo Viejo, coquito,
Bacardi and Coors Light
Cling to the tips of yellowed gray staches
Wet beer kisses to Little Boo,
Warm scrapy sandpaper cheeks
The projects are gray
The trees are bare
The handball court empty
Nobody on the benches
"Ven a comer tocino"
YES!
I turn from the window and run to the kitchen
Mmmmm! Crunchy crunchy salty chewy
I sulk at only being allowed to eat a few little pieces
mmmph! It's a treat that teases
A few freestyle songs and beats so the kids could get down a little

Preview of our club moves....
Dancing with Abuela
Exhaustion takes over
The kids droop, leaving the growups to their own world
Abuela's bed is covered in coats
Climb the mountain, they shift and slip
At the top 3 little cousins snore softly
Drooling, arms and feet tangled
Listening drowsily on top of the pile
The scents of my family
The leather, the cigarettes and perfume
Y se acabo
Ya, se acabo la fiesta

A Letter to the Men in My Life

Even though you set fire to the house forever altering the family's ability to communicate and be vulnerable with one another I forgive you, Abuelo. Alcohol and the Korean War stunted you. I understand

Even though you left me before I got a chance to know what really having a father was, I have loved you and understand that your inability to be a parent wasn't due to lack of love, but because you were a dysfunctional eternal child, confused and burdened by life. Papi, I forgive you

Even though you tried not to tear my new flesh, babysitter's son of black hair, crystal blue eyes and lovely pink lips who I thought was my boyfriend; You thoroughly ripped away the essence of innocence that a child has the right to glow with, marking me as prey to those searching. But I not longer harbor sorrow or anger

Even though you leered, winked, stroked my arms, stole kisses and petted my hair pedophiles of the world; I have been cleansed of the insidious poison that you injected into my sexuality. I release you


Even though you tried to make me feel I was nothing special broke-ass-turned-millionaire-off-the sweat of my back, I am held in a place of honor by the husband you correctly predicted you would never be. I no longer remember what it was like to love you

Even though you made me feel insane, vibrating cold with anger, frustration and defeat until 5 am for you to get home; I'm proud of myself for leaving all your belongings on your cousin's stoop at 12pm when you were still nowhere to be found.


Even though you lied, yelled, threatened and berated me into a small box of regrets, Baby Daddy, my son is a gift that I can thank you for forever


Even though you used, underestimated, stripped me of my worth and made me have to start all over again

Even though you turned me away even as bathed you in my compassionate tears

Even though you wrapped my mind into a bundle of question marks

I rise meeting each new day proudly to create a new world for myself in which I am free from the burdens of my past

My heart is full, beating powerfully, loving wholeheartedly

My back is strong from the weight that it has carried

My hands build homes of purity and innocence

My smile is true and my words ring with honesty

My spirit soars, buoyed by the knowledge that I am all of the things I should not be

Even though you were all, and still are, a part of me